Once Upon A Time Abridged
by Rayvah
Summary: A humorous abridgment. Please do not try this at home.


**So I did a few of these for Stargate Universe and enjoyed them, so thought I'd try my hand at it for OUAT (which I do not own).**

* * *

Once Upon A Time There was an enchanted forest filled with all the classic characters we know. Or think we know. One day they found themselves trapped in a place where all their happy endings were stolen.

MAINE.

This is their story.

(A Prince on horseback races through the woods. We KNOW he is a Prince because he looks FANCY. He gets to a clearing filled with DWARFS, which number seven, and a COFFIN)

Prince: Oh noooo.

Doc: You're too late, we've already killed her.

Prince: What?

Doc: I mean... she'd already dead.

Prince: Let me kiss her.

Grumpy: That's disgusting.

Prince: No. NO. I just want to say goodbye.

Dopey: The filigree on your coat is lovely.

Grumpy: That's inappropriate to point out right now, Dopey.

Dopey: Sorry.

(The Prince KNEELS at the coffin and KISSES the girl inside. a SHOCKWAVE stretches out and away from them. The kiss goes on a little too long and the girl ends up gasping for breath.)

Snow White: You found me!

Prince: This this is the last time I play world wide hide & seek with you.

Snow White: Aww.

(At Wedding)

Priest: As reward for winning World Wide Hide & Seek, this young man has won the hand of Princess Snow White. Do you accept this?

Prince: I do.

Snow: I do.

Evil Queen: I do not!

Everyone: It's the Evil Queen!

Snow: No. She's now just the artist formerly known as Queen.

EQ: I came to give you a gift. This day, uninterrupted by my reign of terror.

Prince: You already interup...

EQ: Shhh!

Prince: ...

EQ: For tomorrow, my true work begins. I'm going to take away everything you love. Everything ALL of you love. (looks around)

Dopey: Even my binky? (clutches his blanket)

EQ: Yes. Even that.

Old woman: And my prize hen?

EQ: Yes.

Grumpy: And my axe!

Q: Yes! Yes! All of it!

Prince: HEY! You can't just come in here and threaten us. I'm going to Throw My Sword At You!

(He DOES. EQ Disappears)

Audience: Wedding Jacket = Stealth -10.

* * *

(IN THE REAL WORLD. A little boy is riding ALONE on a bus at night in a big city. He is reading a book.)

Woman: Is that a good book?

Boy: It's more than just a book.

Woman: Oh.

Boy: It's partly hollowed out. I've got credit cards in here. Spiked knuckles. Mace. A rock hammer.

Woman: Oh...

Boy: The city is Dangerous for a kid.

Audience: For the Kid?

(At bus stop, BOY flags down TAXI)

Boy: Hey, do you take credit cards?

Driver: I'll need to see some identification.

Boy: You don't need to see my identification. (waves hand)

Driver: Um, yeah I do.

Boy: C'mon, please? I'm going to see my mom.

Driver: Oh, alright.

* * *

(Flash to woman in a tight red dress who is probably his MOM.)

Audience: That's a mother I'd like to...

Director: Hey! This is a family show.

Audience: ...have our back! In a fight! Look how she just took OUT that dude who was trying to skip town!

Director: (eyes audience) Alright...

(Emma stumbles home to little fanfare, even though she just took out a criminal.)

Emma: I'm going to sadly blow out a single candle on this cupcake, and pose, even though I am all alone and there is nobody watching.

(KNOCKING on DOOR.)

Emma: (stares at cupcake) Did YOU invite someone over?

Cupcake: ...

Emma: Damnit, Cupcake!

Cupcake: ...

(Emma ends up driving HENRY, who is her biological son, back to Storybrooke, Maine. He thinks Storybrooke is filled with fairy tale characters trapped in time, she thinks he's crazy.)

Henry: Thanks for the lift.

Emma: You Blackmailed me!

Henry: Yeah, but still... I'm looking forward to you helping me fight the forces of darkness.

Emma: I never agreed to this.

(Enchanted Forest)

Prince: You aren't still worried about that whole 'stepmother killing everyone you ever loved' thing, are you?

Snow: YES, of course I am.

Prince: I'm sure she was just blowing off steam. You know... women.

Snow: I'm going to talk to Rumplestiltskin.

Prince: You can't. He's evil!

Snow: He can see the future. Can you guarantee the saftey of our child like he can?

Prince: ... (morose) No.

Snow: Well, then.

* * *

(Real World)

(FLASH to Emma, who is obviously the CHILD)

Audience: Now, that's a child I'd like to...

Director: !

Audience: ... have our back in a fight?

Director: ...

Audience: This isn't going to work anymore, is it?

Director: No, I don't think so.

* * *

(Enchanted Forest)

Guard: Whatever you do, don't let him know your name.

Rumplestiltskin: Hello, Snow White and Prince Charming!

Charming: Oh, good - he doesn't know my name is really James.

(Snow White and Guard stare at Charming)

Charming: What?

Snow: Rumplestiltskin, how can we can protect ourselves from my stepmother's threat?

Rumplestiltskin: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Everyone: ...

Rumplestiltskin: That's, like, a classic joke in the future. You'll get it later.

Charming: Tell us what we want to know!

Rumplestiltskin: I see how you got your nickname. You tell me the name of your unborn child, and I'll tell you that the Queen has a curse that will transport all of you to a place where you will be imprisoned by time. And that if you want to escape, you have to send the child away before you, and in 28 years she'll return and save all of us.

Snow: And... you'll tell us all of what you just told us if we give you her name?

Rumplestiltskin: ... shit.

Charming: Well we got what we need. Let's go.

Rumplestiltskin: No! You have to tell me!

Snow: Ok, ok. Stop whining. It's Emma.

* * *

(Flash to EMMA and HENRY in Storybrooke)

Emma: Ok, we're here. Where should I take you?

Henry: I'm not telling.

Archie: (walks up) Hey, Henry - Is this nice lady here to take you back to the Mayor's house three blocks over half way up the street on the left?

Henry: (grumbles)

* * *

(At the Mayor AKA Evil Queen AKA Artist Formerly Known as Evil Queen AKA Evil Stepmother AKA Regina's house)

Regina: Thank you for bringing Henry back.

Emma: No problem.

Regina: How about a few hard drinks before you hit the road?

Emma: Sounds great.

Graham: Goodnight ladies.

Regina: Goodnight, Sherriff Graham!

* * *

(Emma drives home, notices Henry left his book AKA arsenal on her front seat. She then looks up to see a WOLF in the middle of the road, and has a WRECK)

(Emma wakes up in jail)

Graham: I probably should have said something when I overheard you girls were going to be drinking and driving.

Emma: I didn't actually drink anything. There was a wolf in the road.

Graham: A wolf. Riiight.

(Regina walks in)

Regina: Henry is missing!

Emma: Let me out and I can help you find him.

Graham: Well... oh, alright. Just, no more endangering lives with reckless driving, eh? (winks and snaps)

Emma: ...

* * *

Graham: So, what is this thing called?

Emma: A computer...

Graham: How does it work? (picks up mouse, begins talking into it). Find Henry. I don't think it's on.

Emma: Umm.

Graham: I'd rather go out in the world. Pound the pavement. Knock on every door. Get a warrant to search every house and car. Give me a month, and I'll definitily find him.

Emma: I see. Well, I checked his Internet history and found out that he got a card from his teacher to use a website to find me. Let's talk to her.

Graham: Or we could do that. Whatever.

* * *

(They go to Henry's SCHOOL, where Snow White AKA Mary Margaret is teaching class)

Regina: Mary Margaret - Did you give your credit card to my 10 year old son?

Mary Margaret: He said he was going to buy books with it.

Regina: Well, instead he found his birth mother. (gestures to Emma)

Mary Margaret: Awkward.

Emma: Do you know where I could find him?

Mary Margaret: Try his super secret hide out place. Don't tell him I said.

* * *

(Enchanted Forest)

Snow White: So, Gepetto is building a wardrobe to take Emma to another world?

Charming: Yep.

Snow White: Do you think we ripped that idea off from another story?

Charming: Shhh. This whole show is ripped off of other stories.

Snow White: Oh, right.

(SNOW WHITE goes into labor, and delivers her baby. PRINCE CHARMING has to fight his way to the wardrobe with a baby in his arms.)

Audience: That must be awkward.

Charming: Not at all. My right hand is really strong.

Audience: ...

Charming: From sword fighting.

Audience: Ok.

(He puts EMMA in the WARDROBE, then fights some DUDES and gets stabbed. Snow White finds him.)

Snow: Oh, no, he's dead!

Regina: Yes. Now let's all go together to the most horrible place I could think of... America.

(The WIND swirls and EVERYONE disappears)

* * *

(EMMA drops HENRY off at his house. AGAIN. She then decides to STAY AWHILE and goes to find a hotel room at Granny's)

Granny: Ok, name for the room?

Emma: Emma... um (looks around) Swan.

(Super Dapper looking man with long hair and a Really Osentatious Checkered Shirt walks up)

Man: Emma. What a lovely name.

Emma: Umm, Thanks.

Man: Now give me all the money you owe me, grandma.

Granny: (does. He leaves.)

Emma: That guy seems kinda sketchy.

Granny: That's Mr. Gold. He's a very significant character to this show. (hands Emma keychain with a SWAN on it). Oh hey, just like your name.

Emma: Yeah... (shifty gaze)

Granny: Welcome to Storybrooke.


End file.
